The Loss and Grief of a Single Rose
by VladMorgendorffer
Summary: It's the anniversary of the worst day in Rose's life. Will she be able to cope by herself? Lissa and Christian are celebrating their first Christmas at Court. What will happen when Aunt Tasha comes to visit with her Guardian Dimitri? And where is Rose? Can they find her in time?
1. Prologue

Rose POV

I wake up in the morning sunlight and move about the house like a ghost. Everyone's asleep, as they should be, and I slip out unnoticed and without hassle. The sun is shining, which causes the snow to sparkle in the cold Pennsylvania air. I shiver as I make my way through main Court. It's unusually empty of people, but then again, it's Moroi night. The only people wandering around are Guardians on night shifts.

The first person I see is the Guardian on duty at the front gate. The Guardian is a woman I've seen around before, but never really spoken to. She's older than me by quite a few years and she's pretty. Well, as pretty as any element bearing Guardian can be. I think her name is Margret or something. I ask her to open the gate as she looks from my face to the bouquet of flowers in my hands. She smiles a small, sad smile. The gate opens and I make my escape.

I walk along the road in my own world as I put the horrors of Court life behind me. This past year has been hell. Every night I sit and wonder what it would have been like. What it would have been like to hold her, to see her, to hear her cry. Whenever I closed my eyes I'd relive that night over and over again. I can still smell the blood. I can still feel the pain.

It never goes away.

Every day it's there, no matter what I'm doing or where I am. It follows me like my own shadow, my own personal hell, and nobody knows. How could anyone know? I'm a Guardian, it's my job to protect my charge from everything and that includes my inner turmoil. Lissa wouldn't understand. She's never been in this much pain and she never will. I'll make sure of that. I wouldn't wish this kind of torture on anyone, not even my worst enemy. No one should have to go through what I did and I'm going to make sure no one else ever will or at least I'll die trying.

I pull my coat tighter to my body. Ever since that night I've had a constant chill. Add to that the Pennsylvania winter and you've got one cold Rose. But it doesn't matter. Nothing really matters. Not anymore.

There it is, my destination. I can see it from a mile down the road, the high black fence gleaming in the sunlight. Am I ready for this?

Am I strong enough to do this?

Every step I take brings me closer and closer to the entrance of the cemetery. With every step I can feel the tears they bring. I have to do this. I have to be strong for her!

You can do this, Rose. I know you can.


	2. Chapter 1

Sparky POV

My eyes open into the darkness. Not that it matters, I can still see perfectly.

Today's the day. The year anniversary.

Christmas Eve.

Rose hasn't been the same, not that I'd expect her to. None of us have. But, of course, it's hurt her the worst. I know she tries to hide it for Lissa's sake, but she doesn't fool me. I know she cries herself to sleep… she's not exactly quiet. Just looking in her eyes I can tell she's tormented ever second of every day.

It's… heartbreaking.

Not that I'd ever admit that.

Rose is my friend. I don't know how and I don't know why, but she is. She. Is. My. Friend. No one should have to go through what she did and she definitely shouldn't have gone through it alone like she did. And she definitely shouldn't have to go through today alone. Not if I can help it.

Quietly, I sneak out of our room trying not to wake Lissa. It works. No one else is up, not that there really should be. I mean, it's just Rose, Lissa and me in the house. Well, until our kid arrives in a few months.

I make my way to the kitchen and start preparing breakfast. I want something nice. Something simple. Something covered in bacon.

French toast it is.

I start cooking, just waiting for the smell of cooking animal flesh to awaken Sleeping Beauty upstairs, but she doesn't come. Breakfast is done and waiting and Rose _still_ isn't up.

Something's wrong.

Lissa, who looks so cute her pajamas, walks into the room. Lissa. How the hell did I ever get lucky enough to have her? I don't think I'll ever know. I'm not so sure I'd want to.

"Where's Rose?" she asks as walks towards me. That's not exactly the first thing I'd want to hear in the morning from the woman I love, but I think I can let it slide today.

I kiss her before responding. "You haven't seen her?"

"No." Liss gets that cute worried face for a moment before she's back to normal. "Isn't it her day off? She's probably just beating the crap out of someone. You know normal Rose things."

"Lissa…" I say slowly, trying to think of how to not upset my hormonal wife, "… you do know what today is, right?" She shakes her head and I suppress a sigh. I blame those damn hormones. "It's Christmas Eve." She looks at me expectantly and I actually do sigh. "It's been a year, Lissa. A year today."

She understands me this time. I can tell because she drops her toast and screams, "Oh my God!" as loud as possible. "How could I forget? I'm such a horrible friend!" Then the tears come.

Stupid hormones!

I wrap my arms around Lissa until she calms down. I send her upstairs to see if Rose is barricaded in her room or if she's out already. Now that I'm alone, I let myself drown my sorrows in the best way possible. I start to eat the bacon.

I would have finished it, too, if the damn doorbell didn't ring. Leaving behind my precious meat, I answer the door only to find the two people that could make this day worse.

On the other side of the door are Dimitri and Aunt Tasha.


	3. Chapter 2

Dimitri POV

We had to come early. I don't know why, but for some reason Tasha demanded we visit Christian and Lissa three days early, right in the middle of a horrible snow storm. She said she'd call them. She said she'd take care of it.

From the look Christian's giving us right now from behind the door I know she didn't.

"Surprise!" Tasha screams as we stand on the snow covered porch. Christian doesn't look amused, not that I blame him. "Are you going to make us stand here in the cold all day or are you going to let us in?"

Christian looks at us for a moment before opening the door. "You're early," he states.

"I know. That's the surprise!" she exclaims. "Aren't you happy to see me?"

He starts to smile. "Of course, Aunt Tasha, it's just that-"

"Christian," Lissa says as she enters the room, "I found-" she pauses as she sees us, becoming a deer frozen in the headlight. "You're early!" she squeals as she throws herself at Tasha.

"I know!"

The Princess, who I didn't know was pregnant, turns to me and smiles and then turns back to Tasha. "What are you doing here?"

Tasha shrugs. "I wanted to spend Christmas with my family." Tasha hates Christmas, why would she want to come all this way to ruin the spirit of others?

"Liss, what did you find?" Christian asks urgently. Something's wrong. The question is what.

"Phone," she replies. Christian nods and it's clear he's worried.

What is going on?

Lissa takes Tasha upstairs to see the nursery and Christian goes off to make a phone call.

Where's Rose? She lives here. She wouldn't just leave her best friend and she definitely wouldn't leave around the holidays.

Did something happen to my Roza?

Stop it, Dimitri. She isn't _your_ Roza. You left her, remember? You didn't say anything or call or write… you just left, and instead of apologizing to her you just-

The doorbell rings.

No one else is around, so I go to the door and open it, only to find Adrian Ivashkov staring at me, with a bouquet of flowers in his hands.

"Belikov?" he asks in a rather stunned way. Is it that surprising I'd be here for the holidays?

"Hello, Lord Ivashkov," I reply in a hopefully friendly way. It mustn't have been, because Adrian still looks panicked. "Please, come in."

He does, but barely, stopping right in the hallway by the door. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here with Tash-"

I'm interrupted by the Princess. "Adrian!" she exclaims as she starts to frown. "Where's Rose?"

His suddenly moves his eyes away from me and looks straight to Lissa. "She isn't here?"

"You mean she's not with you?"

Christian appears and says, in an almost pleading way, "Please tell me she's with you."

"Sorry, Cousin," responds Ivashkov. "I haven't seen her." Christian starts to look worried. "Have you tried Abe?"

Christian nods. "Line's busy."

"You don't think she went out there by herself?"

No one says anything.

What the fuck is going on?

Lissa's the first to break the silence. "Why don't we all just come into the kitchen? She's probably just with Abe."

Abe? Who's Abe? Did Roza move on?

We all go into the kitchen and Ivashkov won't stop glaring at me. Christian is making tea in an attempt to calm himself down and Lissa is trying to lighten the mood anyway she can. They're both failing in their attempts.

That's when it got worse. Tasha enters the room.

"Hello, Adrian," she says the second she sees him. "Those flowers are beautiful! Who's the lucky lady?"

Adrian lost it.

He springs up ready to launch himself at my charge. Christian grabs him as I push her back.

The doorbell rings.

I'm closest to the door, but I don't want to leave the room while there is a possible threat. Christian nods at me and I get the door. I wasn't expecting what I saw.

There they were, standing in the wake of the snowstorm, Mr. Mazur, a very notorious figure back home, along with Janine Hathaway and Eddie Castile.

What the hell is going on?


	4. Chapter 3

Eddie POV

It's been a year of hidden loss and grief.

Has it only been a year? It seems like so much longer.

On my way to guest housing I picked up some flowers for when we all go to the cemetery. _If _we go to the cemetery. If the weather keeps it up none of us will be going anywhere. Rose, though, she'll probably go anyway, despite the horrible storm and the freezing temperature. Nothing is going to stop her today. I pity anyone who dares get in her way. My next stop was to pick up Abe Mazur and Janine Hathaway. Both were sporting mournful faces and had flowers in their hands.

It was going to be a long day.

Finally we reach Christian and Lissa's place. Janine rings the doorbell and we wait for Christian to get off his lazy ass and let us in. Only… Christian didn't answer the door. Belikov did.

What the fuck is going on?

I freeze in pure and utter surprise, but Abe just walks inside without a word or glance at Dimitri. Janine looks torn and decides to mutter a quick "hello". Dimitri, the bastard, just looks confused and stands there with the door open. I shut it behind me as I enter the house and leave him there dumbfounded.

"Where is she?" Abe demands as we enter the kitchen. Adrian is here already, siting at the kitchen table with his feet up onto another chair, flowers sitting in front of him. Everything about him screams typical Adrian except for one thing. His body is unusually tense and he has a worried expression on his face.

Something's wrong.

"We thought she might have been with you," replies Lissa.

They. Lost. Rose?

My Guardian instincts kick on. The sooner we find her, the better it will be. "When was the last time you saw her?" I ask.

Christian answers. "Last night when she came home from her shift."

Shit. She probably snuck out during the middle of the night, not bothering to tell anyone, and she's probably there at the cemetery. She's probably been there for hours. She could be frost bitten by now or worse. We have to get her. "Christian, make some hot chocolate and put it in a thermos." He nods, for once not questioning my authority. He's made the same conclusion I have.

I leave the kitchen to grab some blankets. Rose is going to need some warmth, but not too much too fast. This should be enough to start the warming process until we get her back into Court.

Christian hand me the thermos and silence falls. I start putting on my winter gear and so does everyone else. No. Hell no. "Lissa, you're staying here."

"Why?" she sounds offended at the idea. Christian whispers soothing words into her ear. "Fine," she sighs and Christian continues to put his coat on.

"You're not going either Sparky." He glares at me, but suddenly changes his attitude. He cares about Rose as much as all of us, even though he would never agree. He takes the coat off. I look around at everyone else. There is no way in hell I'd be able to talk off Abe. I need another Guardian, just in case something happens, not that I'd be able to stop Janine Hathaway from going anyway. Adrian… well, Adrian should go in case we need Spirit, but it's going to be too dangerous. Not only are the roads horrible and it's freezing, but it's also dark. Strigoi could be lurking around the area.

It's a bad idea.

Adrian makes the decision for me. "Don't try to stop me." A fire I've never seen before is burning into his eyes. He cares about Rose. Even though they've never been together, and never will, Adrian's become a good friend, a brother, and a close confidant. If there was anything Rose wanted to share Adrian was her guy. I nod at him.

Tasha and Belikov knew they weren't coming, or maybe they just didn't care. I don't know and I have no time to wonder. That means that four of us are going.

Belikov gives me a nod before we leave. It was a message that I read loud and clear. "Find her. For the love of God, find her and bring her home alive."


	5. Chapter 4

Adrian POV

We have to find her. We just _have_ to find her. There is no other option.

The gates of the cemetery become closer and closer to us until we finally reach them. Fear hangs in the air of the SUV as we get closer to her gave. No one makes a sound; no one even dares to breathe.

I can't believe it was only a year ago.

The day started off fine. It was Christmas Eve and Court was full of festivities and music and joy. Christian and Lissa were supposed to visit Tasha a week earlier, but because of a horrible storm their flight had been delayed, but finally, they could fly out. Rose, as stubborn as she is, demanded to go with them to the airport to say a proper goodbye to her best friend, even though she was seven months pregnant and on bed rest.

They were attacked on the way home.

She never had a chance.

The car suddenly stops, bringing me back to reality. I look out the window and see her. Thank God, Rose is here! Eddie and Janine run out of the car, blankets in hand, towards her. Abe and I stare out the window, watching and hoping everything is fine.

It's going to be just fine.

With blankets thrown around her, Eddie and Janine help Rose walk towards the car. Her movements are stiff, but at least she's moving. It takes a few minutes, but they finally make it to the SUV. They carefully help Rose get into the vehicle, Janine getting in beside her. Eddie gets into the car and I breathe a sigh of relief.

Rose is okay.

I take her hands, and as expected, she's freezing. Warming her up needs to be a gradual process, otherwise it could cause more harm than good, but being this cold couldn't be good either. Carefully, I close my eyes and I can feel the Spirit rise around me. I give her just enough so the heating process can start naturally. She turns to me and I see the hidden pain in her eyes. I want to do something, anything, that can take that pain away, but there isn't anything I can do. There isn't anything anyone can do. The pain has been there for a year, hidden away from everyone, creating a façade, a mask. She only ever let that mask down with me. Keeping those feelings hidden was a bad idea. It took me ages to finally convince her to go to grief counseling. And of course, Rose got pissed at the fact she was going to any sort of counseling, something about how she wasn't a child anymore and no one could force her to go, so she left after the first five minutes and never returned.

Something needs to change.

The car stops again. We're at Christian and Lissa's. I help Rose out and lead her into the house, the rest of the group closely behind us. No one speaks. Everyone who stayed behind were congregated in the kitchen. Christian and Lissa look at us with sorrow while Dimitri, and even that bitch Tasha, had shocked expressions. Lissa comes over and gives Rose a hug, but she doesn't respond. Christian does the same, but she doesn't do anything. Everyone's looking at me to do something.

"Get some dry clothes for her, please," I ask Lissa, who nods and leaves. I ignore everyone else, especially that Goddamn Russian, and lead Rose into the living room. Her clothes are soaked from all that snow and I don't know how she didn't get frostbite. Lissa arrives with the dry clothes and I help Rose change. I've always wanted to see her sans clothes, but I never imagined my one chance would be like this, on this day and with Belikov in the next room.

With Rose dressed and wrapped in blankets we sit in front of the fire, waiting for her to get warm. I put my arms around her and she doesn't pull away. Instead, she puts her head on my shoulder and starts crying.

Oh, Rose. Don't cry.

But I know she has to. I can't stop it, so I just pull her closer to me and let her cry. After a while she stops crying and shaking, but she doesn't move. I look down at her and realize she didn't move because she's fallen asleep. Dimitri chooses that exact second to wander in. He sees us and with venom in my voice I tell him to get out.

He does.


	6. Chapter 5

Rose POV

Losing a child is something everyone fears. When that fear becomes reality you start to lose yourself. There is no going back; there is only moving forward. You can move forward all you like, but even so there will always be things that bring you back.

Moving past the death of your child is almost impossible.

It's been a year since my little angel's been taken from me. She never even had a chance. But even though I never got to hear her cry or see her beautiful face smile, I know she's always here. I can hear the echo of what I imagine her laugh would be like; I've imagined her saying her first words and taking her first steps.

My baby.

My beautiful, beautiful baby.

The light of the human day blurred into the darkness of the Moroi day and I barely noticed. All that really mattered at that moment was her memory. It stayed that way until Eddie and my Mom dragged me back to Court. I didn't mean to spend all day there. I just wanted some alone time with her before the day started and everyone mourned.

I just needed her.

I didn't realize how cold I was until I got in the car. Adrian used spirit to warm me up a little. Adrian's been so good to me. He deserves someone who can love him back; someone who isn't screwed up like me.

Adrian helps me into the house when we arrive. The first person I see is Lissa before she attacks me in a hug. Christian does the same, only he's much more gentle. The next two faces in the kitchen are surprising to say the least.

Why today? Why did they have to come today?

I want to run and hide. I can't do this. Not today.

Adrian, my savior, saves me.

He takes me into the living room, helps me into dry clothes and holds me while I cry. He even got rid of Dimitri when he wandered in.

He really is my savior.

But, sometimes, sometimes I just have to save myself.

This isn't how she'd want to be remembered. This isn't how she'd want me to spend this day.

I look up at Adrian and thank him. I get a smile in return. I'm warm enough now so I return to the kitchen to fight my demons. Everyone stopped talking as I entered, like I'm some kind of traumatized child. "Don't stop on my account," I say as I grab a doughnut from the counter. "After all it is Christmas Eve."

"Rose," Liss says in her motherly tone. She's going to be a great mom.

"Lissa," I reply.

Tasha speaks next. "She's right, Lissa, it is Christmas Eve," she smirks. "Let's have some _fun_." I fight the urge to roll my eyes.

It gets quiet again. I look over at Dimitri only to find him staring at me. God, he hasn't changed at all. The sight of him makes me want to cry, but I don't. I can't. Those eyes, those damn eyes, they're trying to figure me out; trying to figure out what's wrong.

Adrian saves me again. "It's Christmas Eve! Why don't we watch some stupid Christmas movies? We can have eggnog and cookies and scotch. Except for you, Lissa. I'll drink yours." There was a pause for laughter and he winks at me, which makes me laugh harder. "What do you guys say?"

Tasha nods enthusiastically, while everyone else just looks at me. The forgotten flowers that are stacked on the table catch my eye. "We can do that when we come back," I declare. "First, I think there is a little girl waiting for her flowers."

My parents, Christian and Lissa all nod and smile soft, sad smiles while Adrian, grinning like a madman, picks me up in a hug and sets me down. The gang and I put on our coats and as they get their flowers I look at Dimitri who is hesitantly standing in the hallway. "Come on, Comrade. One visit won't kill you."

He nods and smiles a genuine smile, not knowing what is about to come.


	7. Chapter 6

Dimitri POV

No one spoke in the SUV. It was like some unwritten rule no one dared to break. Everyone had flowers sitting on their laps except for Tasha and me… and Rose.

Roza. Oh, my beautiful Roza. I am so glad she's safe and sound.

We didn't speak of where she was or why she was gone. Actually, no one said anything about it. We just moved on like it was expected or rather it never even happened. I'm curious, of course, but it isn't my place to push. It hasn't been for over a year.

She isn't my Roza anymore, no matter how badly I wish she were.

But I can't think like that anymore. I'm the one that made the choice. I'm the one that left. There's no way she'd want to take me back, not after the way I treated her. But as long as I have her in my life then I'm okay. Even if she's only my friend, at least she'd be _my_ friend.

The SUV turns into a cemetery and continues down a short path until it finally stops. We sit in a hollow silence, as if everyone in the vehicle were reliving some horrible tragedy all over again. Something important was going on and it was something not even Tasha herself dreamed of disturbing. It stays this way until Rose opens her door and leaves, closing it quietly behind her. I look around to find looks of admiration radiating from every person here. Except for Tasha. She's as clueless as I am.

I want to ask questions, but I don't get the chance. Janine and Mr. Mazur get out of the car, followed by Adrian and then Christian and the Princess. Eddie looks back at us from the driver's seat. He speaks to me with his sorrow filled eyes before turning around once more. He takes a flower from his bouquet, leaves it on the console, and gets out of the car.

A wave of sadness sweeps through me. It feels as if I lost something I never knew I had.

I grab the flower left for me and open the door. I look back at Tasha to see if she's coming and she basically laughs in my face. "Why would I go stand out there in the filthy snow? I could be getting drunk right now."

Tasha. She used to be so different. What happened?

I stop myself from slamming the door in her face and go to join the others. They're around a grave, their flowers thoughtfully laid in the crisp white snow, laughing softly about something. Rose sees me and gives me a soft smile before coming towards me. She eyes the flower in my hand and her demeanor changes. Tears start to flow down her face but the smile, albeit small, remains. "Thank you," she whispers. I didn't actually do anything so I nod once and she returns to the group.

I walk up to the grave, place the flower down, and read the headstone. I read the words again before falling to my knees.


	8. Chapter 7

Rose POV

I left Dimitri behind me, unable to look him in the eyes through my tears. I should have told him. I should have pushed aside my feelings and done the _right_ thing. But then it was too late.

I look over towards Dimitri again and see him walking towards her grave. I hold my breath as I watch him getting closer and closer. He puts the flower down and reads the stone.

Anna.

Anna Belikova Hathaway.

God's greatest gift returned to God.

Dimitri falls to his knees, landing quietly in the snow. For the next few moments nothing else existed except for Dimitri and his grief. It was like the world faded away around us, my friends and family disappeared, and there was just this Russian God grieving for the daughter he never knew existed.

I didn't want him to find out this way. It's just so cruel; so unforgivable.

Forgive me. Please. Please forgive me. Both of you.

I walk over to him and put my hand on his shoulder. He looks up at me, silent tears running down his beautiful face. "Dimitri," I whisper as tears fill my eyes again, "I'm sorry."

"How did it happen, Roza?" He asks shakily. "How did… how did our…"

"Strigoi. They…they got me…and I… Dimitri, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I couldn't… I couldn't protect our daughter." My tears start falling at the thought of that horrible night. The memory of the physical pain surges through my brain, but nothing could ever be equal to the amount of pain caused by losing a child. Nothing.

As I try (and fail) to blink back tears, Dimitri rises and captures me in his arms. I cry into his chest, even though I haven't seen him in all this time… even though he shattered my heart… even though he should hate me. I cling to him like he's my lifeline and maybe he is. He's the only one who could possibly understand the emotions running through my body. He's the only one who could ever help me deal with the grief buried inside my heart.

He's the other half of my soul.

He always has been.

"Roza, it isn't your fault." I lift my head away from his body to see his face. His eyes are full of sadness as he looks down at me. "If I had been there… if I-"

I cut him off my putting my hand on his cheek. "Dimitri, no. Please, don't. Don't blame yourself. You didn't know."

He gives me a soft, sad smile as he pulls me closer to him again. We stayed like that for I don't know how long. A while? A lifetime? Who knows? When we pull apart we look at each other, then the others, and then back at each other. Dimitri offers me his hand and I take it as we head back to the SUV.

This past year has been hell, but I know with Dimitri by my side we can deal with it together, just like we should have all along.

The End.

* * *

_I would like to thank each and every one of you for reading, following, favoriting [is that a word?], and reviewing. It really means a lot to have such dedicated readers. Thank you!_

_If you would like to read more of my work, and you haven't already read it, I do have a new VA story up. It's called _Once Upon a Miracle_. I'm rubbish at summaries, but basically Rose finds out she's pregnant and she has to decide what she wants to do. Does she run? Does she stay? And most importantly how does she tell Dimitri? It's way better than that, but if you have the time and you would like, check that out._

_Most of you have already read _The Hathaway Effect_, but if you haven't it's a really great fic. I encourage you all to read that if you haven't done so._

_And one last note: I had the great idea of creating a Facebook page and I would like to cordially invite each of you to like it if you want. I'm going to post updates about my updates, maybe a schedule, fun little facts, I'll answer questions, respond to my favorite Guest reviews (since I can't do that on this site), maybe have trivia contests or polls, my thoughts on my character choices, new ideas, I don't know, but it will be all really cool things about my stories. If you would like to like this page it's the facebook url followed by a forward slash and then vladmorgendorffer (I'd post a link but it's forbidden) or you could just type in Vlad Morgendorffer in the search bar. _

_Once again, thank you for sharing this story with me. You are amazing._


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